Ashes to Ashes

I (Sarah) am struggling with how to react to death right now. A few weeks ago a woman that I had worked closely with over the summers, and who worked in my dorm when I lived on campus, was killed tragically. I had a hard time knowing how to react, a mixture of sadness for myself and her family mixed with extreme joy that she is never going to suffer again.

I am going to be faced with death again soon. My grandmother, 92 years old, has recently been taken to the nursing home and is fading quickly. She suffers from Parkinson's Disease, so her symptoms are not a surprise, but she had lived for so long that I guess I just expected her to live forever.

I have never lost a family member. How am I supposed to react to this? I am so grateful that Grandma will get to be home with Jesus soon. She'll have her memory back, and her motor skills. She'll be able to walk on her own, and feed herself, and she'll be able to have a dog again (she always talks about a beagle that she hasn't had for years and years). But at the same time, I don't want her to go. I am her youngest grandchild, and I want her to be around. I want Grandma to be proud of me when I graduate from college. I want her to be at my wedding, or at least be able to look at pictures after. I want her to be able to meet her great-grandkids someday.

In all of this, I am struggling with how to feel. Is it wrong to feel such joy in her pending death? Is it wrong to feel frustration, sadness, loneliness? Don't those feelings and my selfishness negate the joy that I feel simultaneously?

I am continuing, and will continue, to learn that through it all, Jesus is still true, and will always be there. I want to truly be able to say "O death, where is thy sting?!"